Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
