wanna go halves on a baby?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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