the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
as a side note pls kill me
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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