Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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