Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
