I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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