the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
