Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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