My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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