this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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