It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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