I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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