Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
