tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
