This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
