I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
