alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
