I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Im part way to drunk.
I believe in your delicious
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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