A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
