No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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