When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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