I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
