Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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