Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
