Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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