I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
