Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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