Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
