It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
