pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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