What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
