True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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