I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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