New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
