So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
