well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
