Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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