dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I would fuck him just for his dog
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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