question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Randomize
