dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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