and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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