I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
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I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
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I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
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