Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
