I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
