He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
