ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It's rum buckets o'clock
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
