somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
