The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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