we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He felt like a one man threesome
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
