when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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