Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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