Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
