I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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