I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
