Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
